Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that this little Irish girl - whose grandmother nicknamed herself Spunky Ethel - wrote a book entitled "Bodacious!" Spunky Ethel is my bodacious mother of origin and her legacy continues to this day through all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren, especially the female ones.
Bodacious moms are a powerful influence. I have very clear memories of my grandmother picking me up after school, and taking time to focus on me and my world. Sitting at the Roses discount store lunch counter, she taught me how a little love and chocolate cake can melt away the stresses of grade school. Later, as a teenager, I remember one hot day pulling up in front of her home to find her perched outside, drinking a can of beer through a straw…with all the class and charm of her elegant dinner parties of years before. She had spunk all right; she was living life on her own terms.
Spunky Ethel passed this independent thinking to my mom as well. I remember my mom telling me stories about her mom encouraging her to take solo bus trips downtown as an adolescent. My mom describes it as a wondrous, enlightening experience that grew her understanding of the world and her confidence. Like any parent, Spunky Ethel wanted her daughter to experience even more opportunity as a woman. Though Grandma was only able to attend a few years of college, she made sure her daughter would be able to graduate. I can only imagine how proud they both must have been when my mom received her diploma at graduation.
My mom passed that same strong sense of self-worth and the ability to create the life you want to her daughters. When I was growing up social norms regarding women were dramatically changing, but nothing guaranteed that I'd seek my own place in these opportunities. My mom (and dad) instilled in me the responsibility to decide what I wanted to do and then use the best of my abilities. That's why my book's dedication reads: "For my parents Charles and Donna Foley who believed I could be anything I wanted." "This too shall pass" was one of Spunky Ethel's favorite phrases. How right she was, not only regarding the moment's circumstances, but also concerning our time together. She strove to make each encounter meaningful. And it was in those encounters that I learned what it meant to be a bodacious woman. To Spunky Ethel, my bodacious mom, and all bodacious moms out there, I salute you!
26 Eylül 2009 Cumartesi
13 Eylül 2009 Pazar
Life with Katie: My child with Cerebral Palsy
I am guessing if you are reading this article you either have child with Cerebral Palsy or know someone who has this condition. If you do not know what Cerebral Palsy is, I will tell you in layman’s terms. It means brain damage. The damage can be either so minor that it is hardly noticeable or it can be severe mental and physical damage. My daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy because while in the womb, her intestine twisted causing my wife and her to be under stress. Katie had six strokes before she was born. The damage caused her to be partially paralyzed on the left side of her body.
Now this article is about how my wife and I dealt with raising her. Recently, I joined a personal development website. As I have been listening and watching some of the audios and videos, I have realized that some of the virtues taught, we have been doing for years. We have just not had any training. Probably like yourself, we had some of these qualities, but did not know how to harness or exploit them.
The first feelings we had were uncertainty for the future. We were both young. But really, no one is ever ready for anything like this. At first, no one would tell us what was wrong or what to do. All we could think was we had the worst situation ever. We did not know if it was a freak accident or genetic. Would this affect any other children we had? But after the shock wore off, we realized God had blessed us. Other babies in the intensive nursery weighted around 2 lbs. Our Katie weighted over 6 lbs. She stayed in the hospital for 51 days. We were told at the beginning that she would be in the intensive nursery for possibly 6 months.
From this uncertainty of the future, my wife and I learned our first lesson when dealing with a handicapped child, which was to realize how blessed we were. We had family members who had helped us get through the initial shock. I had a good job with insurance that paid almost all of the medical expenses. Our child was alive. You really do not understand how strong you are until something like this happens. All you can really do is try to take care of the moment. Abraham Lincoln once said “The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”
The next thing we learned was to make a commitment to our child. A quote I enjoy by Marian Wright Edelman goes like this, “You are not obligated to win. You are obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.” It was almost a year before anyone would tell us she had Cerebral Palsy. We knew something was wrong, but did not know what it was. She was not doing the things that normal babies could do. After we were told she had Cerebral Palsy, my wife and I had to make a commitment to Katie that we would do whatever we needed to do to help her function in a “normal” world. We could hide her from the world or treat her like our other children. We chose to do the best we could to help her.
After you make the commitment, you have to be willing to follow through. You are going to be the person taking them to the doctors. You are going to be focusing a lot of time on helping this person. Katie could not walk by herself until she was eight years old. But my wife and I decide we would not put her in a wheelchair if she could at least walk with help. They have a therapy called Conductive Education. We sent her to Canada three times for five-week courses. We actually raised the money to send her, and for us to stay with her, by holding garage sales. We would hold one every weekend in different locations for two to three months. We would tell people the garage sale money was being used to help Katie get to the camp. Do you know that people would bring us stuff to sell or tell us to come by and pick up stuff. You may not believe this, but I had a sixteen-foot horse trailer loaded up when I got ready to have the sale. By the end of the sale, we were restocked with new items. Also, sometimes people would donate money. My wife, our family members and I were willing raise the money to get her to the camp. Remember, “Where the willingness is great the difficulties cannot be great.” says Niccolo Machiavelli
Now, the most important thing I have learned in my life with Katie is never give up. Now I understand that not everyone has the same circumstance, but set goals. Something always told me that she could walk. Now I knew she would not walk perfect, but she would walk. And through her efforts and the effort of my wife, others, and me, she can walk. We also knew she needed an education like the other kids, so we required her to do the same as other kids. It always took her longer to do everything. But she has ended up graduating early and is now in college working on a degree in accounting. We are still helping her adjust. But our goal is for her to be as independent as she possibly can. Do not hide the person. Try to include them in everything you do. We always took our daughter out in public. When she was in school, we pushed her to do her best. Ruth Gordon once said, “Never give up and never face the facts.”
I believe that when facing the challenges of dealing with a Cerebral Palsy person or any person with a handicap, there are three things to remember that can help you through. First, realize when the uncertainty of the future overwhelms you, that you have family and friend to support and help you through these trying times. If you are the one helping the handicap person, you will need to make a commitment and be willing to go the distance. And last, but most important, never give up. There are going to be times when you want to throw in the towel. Take a step back, and grab a breath. Think about what Booker T. Washington once said, “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.” I am a firm believer that God does not give a person more than they can handle. If you are a parent of a Cerebral Palsy child, God has given you a special gift. He has entrusted you a special person. Do not be afraid to pray. Sometimes that may be the only thing that will get you through the hard times.
Now this article is about how my wife and I dealt with raising her. Recently, I joined a personal development website. As I have been listening and watching some of the audios and videos, I have realized that some of the virtues taught, we have been doing for years. We have just not had any training. Probably like yourself, we had some of these qualities, but did not know how to harness or exploit them.
The first feelings we had were uncertainty for the future. We were both young. But really, no one is ever ready for anything like this. At first, no one would tell us what was wrong or what to do. All we could think was we had the worst situation ever. We did not know if it was a freak accident or genetic. Would this affect any other children we had? But after the shock wore off, we realized God had blessed us. Other babies in the intensive nursery weighted around 2 lbs. Our Katie weighted over 6 lbs. She stayed in the hospital for 51 days. We were told at the beginning that she would be in the intensive nursery for possibly 6 months.
From this uncertainty of the future, my wife and I learned our first lesson when dealing with a handicapped child, which was to realize how blessed we were. We had family members who had helped us get through the initial shock. I had a good job with insurance that paid almost all of the medical expenses. Our child was alive. You really do not understand how strong you are until something like this happens. All you can really do is try to take care of the moment. Abraham Lincoln once said “The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”
The next thing we learned was to make a commitment to our child. A quote I enjoy by Marian Wright Edelman goes like this, “You are not obligated to win. You are obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.” It was almost a year before anyone would tell us she had Cerebral Palsy. We knew something was wrong, but did not know what it was. She was not doing the things that normal babies could do. After we were told she had Cerebral Palsy, my wife and I had to make a commitment to Katie that we would do whatever we needed to do to help her function in a “normal” world. We could hide her from the world or treat her like our other children. We chose to do the best we could to help her.
After you make the commitment, you have to be willing to follow through. You are going to be the person taking them to the doctors. You are going to be focusing a lot of time on helping this person. Katie could not walk by herself until she was eight years old. But my wife and I decide we would not put her in a wheelchair if she could at least walk with help. They have a therapy called Conductive Education. We sent her to Canada three times for five-week courses. We actually raised the money to send her, and for us to stay with her, by holding garage sales. We would hold one every weekend in different locations for two to three months. We would tell people the garage sale money was being used to help Katie get to the camp. Do you know that people would bring us stuff to sell or tell us to come by and pick up stuff. You may not believe this, but I had a sixteen-foot horse trailer loaded up when I got ready to have the sale. By the end of the sale, we were restocked with new items. Also, sometimes people would donate money. My wife, our family members and I were willing raise the money to get her to the camp. Remember, “Where the willingness is great the difficulties cannot be great.” says Niccolo Machiavelli
Now, the most important thing I have learned in my life with Katie is never give up. Now I understand that not everyone has the same circumstance, but set goals. Something always told me that she could walk. Now I knew she would not walk perfect, but she would walk. And through her efforts and the effort of my wife, others, and me, she can walk. We also knew she needed an education like the other kids, so we required her to do the same as other kids. It always took her longer to do everything. But she has ended up graduating early and is now in college working on a degree in accounting. We are still helping her adjust. But our goal is for her to be as independent as she possibly can. Do not hide the person. Try to include them in everything you do. We always took our daughter out in public. When she was in school, we pushed her to do her best. Ruth Gordon once said, “Never give up and never face the facts.”
I believe that when facing the challenges of dealing with a Cerebral Palsy person or any person with a handicap, there are three things to remember that can help you through. First, realize when the uncertainty of the future overwhelms you, that you have family and friend to support and help you through these trying times. If you are the one helping the handicap person, you will need to make a commitment and be willing to go the distance. And last, but most important, never give up. There are going to be times when you want to throw in the towel. Take a step back, and grab a breath. Think about what Booker T. Washington once said, “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.” I am a firm believer that God does not give a person more than they can handle. If you are a parent of a Cerebral Palsy child, God has given you a special gift. He has entrusted you a special person. Do not be afraid to pray. Sometimes that may be the only thing that will get you through the hard times.
Challenges And The Power Of Acceptance
Inevitably in life we will have to face disappointment from time to time. Sometimes they may be little disappointments, and other times they may be great, big, heart wrenching disappointments. When this happens to us, we have a choice in how we react. Some of us may give up on our dreams, others may keep fighting stubbornly against the tide, and still others may choose another path to travel.
One important aspect of dealing with disappointment is acceptance. When we keep fighting against our circumstances and disappointments, it can leave us feeling frustrated, bitter and exhausted. Especially during those times in life when everything seems to keep going wrong for us, we get more and more stressed as we try to resist the undesirable circumstances.
Practicing acceptance can help ease that inner tension and allow us to see our situation more clearly. Accepting your circumstances does not mean giving up! It does not mean that you have to be 100% happy with your current situation. Acceptance means that you acknowledge and accept where you are in your life at this moment, even though it may not be ideal.
Maybe you hate your job or your marriage is faltering. Maybe you are struggling to lose weight and can't seem to get anywhere with it. Whatever it is that is causing you stress, try accepting it instead of fighting against it. Repeat the following to yourself: "I may not be thrilled with the way things are in my life right now, but I accept it. I will do what I can and give the rest to God. I am thankful for the blessings I do have right now, and I know that more are on the way."
It may take alot of practice at the beginning, but as you continue to do this, something amazing happens. The struggles suddenly don't seem so large anymore. They won't magically dissolve before your eyes, but the edges seem to soften a bit. Life doesn't seem quite so harsh anymore. Solutions to the problems may even begin to appear. If that doesn't happen right away, that's okay! Know that they will eventually. Just keep practicing acceptance and have faith that things will turn around.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. We are where we are in our lives right now because we are meant to be here. Several factors may have contributed to our current circumstances, such as choices we made in the past, or outside influences we have no control over. The questions to ask yourself are: What is the lesson here? What do I need to learn about this situation? Though you may not be happy with your current situation, there IS a reason you are there right now.
This is especially true if you continuously find yourself in similar situations! For example, if you keep choosing unhealthy relationships, you might want to take some time to discover why. If you are always struggling financially, there may be a message for you there. If you can't seem to figure it out on your own, you might consider seeking professional help. Sometimes an outside party can see things that we can't.
No matter what difficulties you are struggling with right now, know that this too shall pass. Difficulties do not last forever. Sometimes struggles are opportunities in disguise . . .
One important aspect of dealing with disappointment is acceptance. When we keep fighting against our circumstances and disappointments, it can leave us feeling frustrated, bitter and exhausted. Especially during those times in life when everything seems to keep going wrong for us, we get more and more stressed as we try to resist the undesirable circumstances.
Practicing acceptance can help ease that inner tension and allow us to see our situation more clearly. Accepting your circumstances does not mean giving up! It does not mean that you have to be 100% happy with your current situation. Acceptance means that you acknowledge and accept where you are in your life at this moment, even though it may not be ideal.
Maybe you hate your job or your marriage is faltering. Maybe you are struggling to lose weight and can't seem to get anywhere with it. Whatever it is that is causing you stress, try accepting it instead of fighting against it. Repeat the following to yourself: "I may not be thrilled with the way things are in my life right now, but I accept it. I will do what I can and give the rest to God. I am thankful for the blessings I do have right now, and I know that more are on the way."
It may take alot of practice at the beginning, but as you continue to do this, something amazing happens. The struggles suddenly don't seem so large anymore. They won't magically dissolve before your eyes, but the edges seem to soften a bit. Life doesn't seem quite so harsh anymore. Solutions to the problems may even begin to appear. If that doesn't happen right away, that's okay! Know that they will eventually. Just keep practicing acceptance and have faith that things will turn around.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. We are where we are in our lives right now because we are meant to be here. Several factors may have contributed to our current circumstances, such as choices we made in the past, or outside influences we have no control over. The questions to ask yourself are: What is the lesson here? What do I need to learn about this situation? Though you may not be happy with your current situation, there IS a reason you are there right now.
This is especially true if you continuously find yourself in similar situations! For example, if you keep choosing unhealthy relationships, you might want to take some time to discover why. If you are always struggling financially, there may be a message for you there. If you can't seem to figure it out on your own, you might consider seeking professional help. Sometimes an outside party can see things that we can't.
No matter what difficulties you are struggling with right now, know that this too shall pass. Difficulties do not last forever. Sometimes struggles are opportunities in disguise . . .
An Old Message For A New Age
Do you consider yourself a seeker? I have a feeling if you’re reading this article, you do.
If so, how exactly do you define it? What does it mean to you to be a “seeker?”
For me, the definition is constantly in process of clarifying itself, shifting in and out of focus as I ask, “What is it that I’m seeking?” There have been times – days, weeks, months, dare I say years – that it felt like wandering, lost and lonely, in search of a nameless, faceless something that seemed forever before me, but like a mirage, moving farther away the closer I drew. I could not grasp it, but I knew that when found it would make all the pieces of my life click together. Instant happiness and abundance, perfect peace and love. Most of all, everything would finally make sense. I’d know my purpose; I’d be brave enough to live it; I’d have no question that I couldn’t readily answer.
I can tell you, after so much time in the desert, I have found no such “something.” But that doesn’t mean the journey has not been fruitful.
In its finest moments the search has been a pilgrimage. One with the hue of holiness. And in those rare instances I know clearly what it is I seek. I’d like to share a story.
Several years ago my husband’s company sponsored a celebrity golf tournament. We attended, and I surprised myself at how star-struck I was! Especially since the stars were sports figures with whom I was barely familiar. Of all of them, the kindest was David Robinson of the San Antonio Spurs. Walking next to him, my head came only to his elbow, but I found him to be a gentle giant. Late in the day I, along with many others, asked for his autograph. When he gave me back the piece of paper it had on it his name and the letters and numbers “Matthew 6:33.” I overheard someone explain that he always places a verse from the Bible on his autographs – a different one for each person.
Well, I am someone who does not take things in vain – I believe that everything that happens is a perfect set-up for our growth and learning. So, I went home and looked up the verse. Upon reading it I had one of those “pilgrim” moments.
Matthew 6:33Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you as well.
The perfect message for a true seeker. But, of course, the question follows…what does it mean? I know that some will have a very clear-cut answer, but for me it has taken years of touching upon, moving away from, and coming back to the message…to find for myself the meaning. The day I received the verse I typed it up and put it in my meditation space, where I have looked upon it every day since. But lately it has begun to call for my attention more fervently, demanding from me a clearer understanding.
Ultimately, I have come to realize this one sentence as the most basic ingredient for living, and the word that has always stood out to me is “first.” Here, the order of things. In our society we are driven by the desire to obtain - material possessions, personal achievement, physical perfection…we strive first and we strive hard. But in this verse we are asked not to “do” first, but to seek. We are told where to begin.
I would like to go slowly, go back and explore this simple message, piece by piece…
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…
Is this the answer to the interminable question, “What do I seek?”? If so, then I ask, “What exactly is this ‘Kingdom of God’ that I am after?” My mind immediately travels to another verse – Luke 17:21, which says, “Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.”
And so, it is not something beyond my grasp that constantly beckons me. It is not a place, or thing, a job or person, a philosophy, idea or fragment of knowledge. It is not to be found in books or buildings. That which is sought is the Divine reflection within my own being, that same reflection alive within yours and in everything else. The dwelling place of the holy lives no farther than the beat of our own hearts.
For those of us who have been on this quest for a while, this idea is nothing new. I realize that. We read books about getting to know and love and be ourselves. We take classes and workshops in the hopes of prying open the door to that illusive hallowed ground we’re after. At the end of every yoga class we say, “Namaste,” the Hindu recognition of the Divine spark within us all. I, like you, know where I’m supposed to look; I can think and speak about it; but it is the experience that I am after – that which cannot be spoken of or written about in whole. That which absolutely cannot be taught or bought. That which is secret and private and can only be known in the silent places of one’s own soul.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…Seek first the Divine within…Seek first, your own truth.
And then we read on…
…and His Righteousness…
Now, here is a phrase for contemplation. For some it is instantly understood and revered; for others, it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It is a loaded word; one that can scare with its asking.
If it is the knowing of our highest selves, a re-union with our own Divinity and, I suspect, with the greater Divinity of all life that we seek, and if we hold faith that the source of Divinity is indwelling, then how do we define this righteousness? I believe that the answer will lie in your own definition, image and knowing of God.
If so, how exactly do you define it? What does it mean to you to be a “seeker?”
For me, the definition is constantly in process of clarifying itself, shifting in and out of focus as I ask, “What is it that I’m seeking?” There have been times – days, weeks, months, dare I say years – that it felt like wandering, lost and lonely, in search of a nameless, faceless something that seemed forever before me, but like a mirage, moving farther away the closer I drew. I could not grasp it, but I knew that when found it would make all the pieces of my life click together. Instant happiness and abundance, perfect peace and love. Most of all, everything would finally make sense. I’d know my purpose; I’d be brave enough to live it; I’d have no question that I couldn’t readily answer.
I can tell you, after so much time in the desert, I have found no such “something.” But that doesn’t mean the journey has not been fruitful.
In its finest moments the search has been a pilgrimage. One with the hue of holiness. And in those rare instances I know clearly what it is I seek. I’d like to share a story.
Several years ago my husband’s company sponsored a celebrity golf tournament. We attended, and I surprised myself at how star-struck I was! Especially since the stars were sports figures with whom I was barely familiar. Of all of them, the kindest was David Robinson of the San Antonio Spurs. Walking next to him, my head came only to his elbow, but I found him to be a gentle giant. Late in the day I, along with many others, asked for his autograph. When he gave me back the piece of paper it had on it his name and the letters and numbers “Matthew 6:33.” I overheard someone explain that he always places a verse from the Bible on his autographs – a different one for each person.
Well, I am someone who does not take things in vain – I believe that everything that happens is a perfect set-up for our growth and learning. So, I went home and looked up the verse. Upon reading it I had one of those “pilgrim” moments.
Matthew 6:33Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you as well.
The perfect message for a true seeker. But, of course, the question follows…what does it mean? I know that some will have a very clear-cut answer, but for me it has taken years of touching upon, moving away from, and coming back to the message…to find for myself the meaning. The day I received the verse I typed it up and put it in my meditation space, where I have looked upon it every day since. But lately it has begun to call for my attention more fervently, demanding from me a clearer understanding.
Ultimately, I have come to realize this one sentence as the most basic ingredient for living, and the word that has always stood out to me is “first.” Here, the order of things. In our society we are driven by the desire to obtain - material possessions, personal achievement, physical perfection…we strive first and we strive hard. But in this verse we are asked not to “do” first, but to seek. We are told where to begin.
I would like to go slowly, go back and explore this simple message, piece by piece…
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…
Is this the answer to the interminable question, “What do I seek?”? If so, then I ask, “What exactly is this ‘Kingdom of God’ that I am after?” My mind immediately travels to another verse – Luke 17:21, which says, “Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.”
And so, it is not something beyond my grasp that constantly beckons me. It is not a place, or thing, a job or person, a philosophy, idea or fragment of knowledge. It is not to be found in books or buildings. That which is sought is the Divine reflection within my own being, that same reflection alive within yours and in everything else. The dwelling place of the holy lives no farther than the beat of our own hearts.
For those of us who have been on this quest for a while, this idea is nothing new. I realize that. We read books about getting to know and love and be ourselves. We take classes and workshops in the hopes of prying open the door to that illusive hallowed ground we’re after. At the end of every yoga class we say, “Namaste,” the Hindu recognition of the Divine spark within us all. I, like you, know where I’m supposed to look; I can think and speak about it; but it is the experience that I am after – that which cannot be spoken of or written about in whole. That which absolutely cannot be taught or bought. That which is secret and private and can only be known in the silent places of one’s own soul.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…Seek first the Divine within…Seek first, your own truth.
And then we read on…
…and His Righteousness…
Now, here is a phrase for contemplation. For some it is instantly understood and revered; for others, it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It is a loaded word; one that can scare with its asking.
If it is the knowing of our highest selves, a re-union with our own Divinity and, I suspect, with the greater Divinity of all life that we seek, and if we hold faith that the source of Divinity is indwelling, then how do we define this righteousness? I believe that the answer will lie in your own definition, image and knowing of God.
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